Monday, June 19, 2006

...rapid deceleration zones.

...a few sailing points.
(Notes on boats for the beginner)

1) The pointy sticky up bit & flappy sail bit points upward at the sky, the hard, shiny bit sits in the water. This orientation is traditional & is known, and proven to better facilitate the sailing experience.
2) Boats do not have brakes. Repeat, DO NOT have brakes.
3) Water is wet. Very wet, with the notable exception of when it's very, very cold. This creates hard water we sailors like to call ice. This is a bad thing (see point 4)
4) Keep the boat within the bounds of the wet bits. Remember the wet bits are good, dry & hard bits are bad. We call the hard bits 'The land'. These its tend to damage a vessel when we sail upon them.
5) The pointy end is the front. The blunty bit is the back. You can sit on the bit in the middle.
6) No, it does not have an engine.
7) The wiggly stick thingy helps you steer & can be very useful indeed.
8) Falling out of the boat is not compulsory & is often frowned upon.
9) Do not take on the Isle of Wight ferry in a challenge of nerves. The ferry will win every time. This is gaurenteed.
10) You can rarely get out and push when the wind stops being windy. Please be patient.
11) It is a studied and known fact within the laws of physics that two or more vessels containing children produce spontaneous magnetic fields. This phenomenon, combined in conjunction with the greatly reduced frictional resistance that is provided by water through which the vessels hull passes, means that it is inevitable the vessels will eventually attract and collide with one another. Its has not yet been established through these studies whether the rise and collapse of these spontaneous magnetic fields are directly as a result of the vessels proximity to one another or through the presents of the child contained within.
It has been noted in further studies that statistically the greater number of children within the vessels, the greater the magnetic field produced and the more likely a collision or multiple collision is to occur.
How ever, a second contradictory phenomenon has been noted. As the child's concentration is broken with a simple command or order to 'Keep together' or 'Time to pack up now' the strong magnetic field produced by one or more child/vessel will rapidly change polarity disbanding vessels in all directions simultaneously. This effect is know as the 'starburst'
The conclusion of these studies and the focus of point 11 is a simple formulae "Children + Boats = A healthy magnetic attraction"
12) Any boat within site of another going in the same direction will eventually be racing each other. This psychological effect is inevitable within seasoned sailors & will beset the true beginner as time progresses. The notable exception being when the vessel contains one or more children . (See note 11)
13) Adult beginners, as you step into a boat your brain will stop working rationally. Please try to remember point 9.
14) It does not matter how much money you have, if you are useless, there's a very good chance your gonna stay useless. Shinny kit does not make a sailor.
15) If you are not a sarcastic person by nature, you will be as you progress as a sailor.


Tillerman said...

Love it. Especially the bits about kids. All too true.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I got so wrapped up in No. 11 I forgot the earlier points. Let's see, hard points are pointers, and soft points are pointless. Something like that?

sim said...

Hoss the point you pointed out, however pointedly, pointless is straight to the point.
That's my point.

That said , i'm off for a point o guiness.