Thursday, April 20, 2006

...local govenment.


I am at the mercy of a wild, thrashing, mindless beast.
I cannot reason with it, I cannot predict it, I cannot stop it.
On it goes carving its wave of inattentive, thoughtless, witless, unthinking destruction through my life.

I have a problem with my local city council.
I appear to be persicuted because I fall into the catagory of a single, white, tax paying, employed, hetrosexual, educated, male.

For example, last year:

Council : "We are going to install security doors on your flat."
Me : "Oh , why"
Council : "Because of the criminal element about, keep you all nice & safe"
Me : "Erm, er , but iv'e lived here 7 years & not even heard a raised voice."
Council : "yes, criminal element, keep you all nice & safe."
Me : "What about the other implication, the lack of ventilation, fire access, smoke clearance, heat stratification during the summer?, How are the postman , paperboy and milkman going to deliver?"
Me : "I know a fair bit about building regulations , fire access & smoke ventilation you know"
Council : "Criminal element, keep you nice & safe."
Me : "Erm.?"
Me : "Er, How are the postman , paperboy and milkman going to deliver again?"
Council : "Oh the door will be left open so they can make deliveries during the day"
Me : "When theres no one about & this criminal element is also, erm busy at work?"
Council : " Yes, nice & safe , deliveries not problem, make your own ventilation arangements , fire & smoke no problem"
Me "Oh."
Council : "criminals..., nice & safe."
Council : "You'll need to stay at home while we carry out the works of course"
Me : "Pardon !"
Council : "Yes , at home during the week, well make arrangements for our workmen to come between these dates."
Me : "I do work, I mean full time, during the week !"
Council : "It's settled then. We'll make arrangements"
Me : " ? "
Council : "Oh that will be £1600-00 please"
Me : " Wha the **** do you ******** think I ******* well ***** ***** **** ******** ** you **** !!!"



and so on.

So this week they come back :

Council : "We've turned your door entry system off"
Me : " Oh ?"
Council : "Yes , turned it off for 10 days"
Me : " Oh , err, why?"
Council : "As a policy we need to replace the entry key fobs. As our tennents move in and out key fobs get lost so we are going to re issue"
Me : "Ok"
Me : "Just pop it through the door or in the post that will be fine."
Council : "Sorry , can't do that"
Me : "Erm. why?"
Council : "Policy, security"
Me : "Right , ok. what then"
Council : "You must come down to City Hall, bring identification & sign them out"
Me : "Incovenient,but Ok I'll see you Saterday"
Council : "We are not open weekends sir, our hours are 8:45am to 5pm Monday to Friday"
Me : "I do work, I mean full time, during the week ! 8am til 6pm"
Me : "Can we not make other arrangements ?"
Council "We could make arrangements at your local area office"
Me : "They open at weekends?"
Council : "Hours are 8:45am to 5pm Monday to Friday"
Me: "Oh...."
Council : "Oh.....we shut that office this year sir, sorry"
Council : "Can you make an effort and take some time off work sir."
Me : "No I ******* can't"
Council : " "
Me : "So where do we stand then ?, I can't make it to you when you are open"
Council "Policy, you must collect personally , bring I.D. & sign them out."
Me : "Oh for ***** sake, I do work, full time, during the week, kind of hard to get time off willy nilly drive all the way into the city center to pick up somthing that I dont't realy want due to a situation youv'e created through not keeping control of you tennents !"
Council "Policy, you must collect personally , bring I.D. & sign them out. or you could send someone to pick them up for you"
Me : " Oh for ****s sake I give up"

...& so I suffer for the councils incompidence over key control of a system that was unrequired and dangerous.

My point being, it's impossible to deal with council or local govenment on a personal basis.
It's not possible, the unbending , impersonal, impractical, unthinking machine gets an idea into its collective mindlessness & executes it with thoughtless inefficiency to the detriment of those whom it is there to serve.

If I were a un-employed, gay ,uneducated, hermaphrodite, I suspect their political correctness department would have flagged up instantly & I would have been paid for the head of the council to personally bring me my new key on a velvet cusion with a troope of naked dancing girls and the promsie of a free holiday in Bali.


Sorry about the rant,
I understand now why people sit on tall building and take pot shots at govenment workers with high powered sniper rifles.

8 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The last paragraph is a far stretch. However, you are eminently correct: How the hell why they can't be open on Saturday (and/or Sunday) is beyond me.

Maybe if you suggest that, they might even think of it. Doubtful, though.

sim said...

Hmm, the operative word there is 'THINK'.

The annoying thing is that eventually , today I had to take time off work and go pick up these rotten key fobs.

They would have locked me out of my own house , absolutely no doubt about that.

To be obnoxious I handed over I.D. that stated my brothers name & address on it.
Both having the same Initials, they didn't bat an eyelid, accepted it and handed me my key fobs.
The thing that annoys me most, the people on the deck were pleasent, polite and smiled & robbed me of my chance to rage against the machine.

I guess I just have to accept the machine is indifferent toward me.

Tish said...

I think you should spontaneously become a flaming homosexual, complete with a welfare/unemployment check, this would resolve itself.
OR
You could move to the US, and be faced with this nonsense on a DAILY basis.
Your choice.
Sorry to hear your stress, buddy. It'll get better...with a six pack of your alcoholic choice, a flexible woman, and caramel. EVERYTHING is better with caramel!!!
PS: We must figure out a way to fix the blogroll issue for you.

sim said...

Actually I would prefer to go with option B, but the govenment has banned guns here & too apply for a licence would just make me want to go for option B & so a viscious circle would ensue that would leave me feeling bitter, resentful and reaching for my gu.... shit.

OK im giving up work & going gay.

John Cowart said...

Hi, Just visiting via oldhorsetailsnake's reference to your page... but I had a hard time getting away because your postings are so fascinating. Not only your cartoons but your flickr photos are great. Thanks.

I plan to show my wife some of your tasteful, refined art work.

bernadette said...

HOSS WHO MUST BE OBEYED sent me and I'm glad he did!

My husband feels your sort of pain and likes to make jokes about it, too. He made some funny jokes about Hu visiting Seattle yesterday. "Hu gets invited to Bill Gates' mansion? Hu is the only guest not paying $20,000 per plate? Hu what, where, when, and why?!"

Great artwork and cartoons here!!

poopie said...

Hoss sent me over to check your place out. You're a hoot!!

MichaelTGO said...

If I were a un-employed, gay ,uneducated, hermaphrodite, I suspect their political correctness department would have flagged up instantly & I would have been paid for the head of the council to personally bring me my new key on a velvet cusion with a troope of naked dancing girls and the promsie of a free holiday in Bali.`

You mean you are NONE of these??

oh how boring.

No holiday in Bali for you then